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Paranatural: Chapter 6/Transcript
Title page Alt text: Suspended from school, Johnny's friend Stephen flies solo for the day. But will he fly too close... to the truth? Page 1 Stephen's mom: WHAT?! SUSPENDED?! Stephen: Ugh, what''EVER'', mom. It's not my fault if Principal Pleezdoo wants to HATE ME Stephen: JUST because I drove her hatchback through the quote unquote "open house". Stephen: That's HER choice. She's got it out for me and my friends, just like the rest of the school SYSTEM. Stephen's mom: DAMMIT, Stephen, I've HAD it with your DAMM CONSPIRACY THEORIES. You gotta get your HEAD OUT of THE CLOUDS and take RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF!!! Stephen's mom: You think you can SUPPORT A FAMILY on EXCUSES?? PAY A MORTAGE with DREAMS?? You think you can just WAKE UP ONE DAY and have a VIABLE CAREER as a STAGE MAGICIAN, Stephen's mom: travelling the world, escaping the mundane for an hour each night, conjuring rabbits from hats, ribbons from sleeves, and smiles on children's faces? Stephen's mom: NO!! You have to FACE REALITY, ditch your DEADBEAT FRIENDS, and GET A REAL JOB, DAMMIT!! Alt text: the scar is genetic Page 2 Stephen: Child labor is ILLEGAL, mom, but I guess the LAW's just another thing you only care about when it does what you WANT! Stephen's mom: THAT DOES IT! GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE! Stephen's mom: YOU'RE GROUNDED!! Stephen: HrrrrRR… Stephen: RAAAH!! Stephen's dad: Oh, honey… Alt text: the scar is genetic, OR they angered a samurai while standing in height order Page 3 DJ Mothman: -elcome back to 98.6 FM The FEVER, your SOURCE for the SICKEST traffic and weather updates in the biz. DJ Mothman: Haha SIKE! That's what the MAN wants us to say, but we don't SERVE HIM just because he signs the checks. No, we serve YOU, loyal listener, 'cause FOOD FOR THOUGHT is on the menu and we rely on your tips. DJ Mothman: That's right Mayview our producer's at physical therapy and you know what that means: it's time for the FEVER to BREAK the news no one else will... the PARANORMAL, EXTRATERRESTRIAL, and just plain UNEXPLAINABLE kind! DJ Mothman: I'll be your server with the REAL updates, the DL patching holes in the TRUTH, your mixed metaphor mixmaster maitre'd, DJ MOTHMAAAAAAAAN!! DJ Mothman: And with me as always, the bread to my butter, the big spoon to my soup, the bespectacled beskeptical PHD anomaly himself, PROFESSORRRRR BIGFOOT!! Professor Bigfoot: Hello. Alt text: nothing plays better on radio than gimmick outfits Page 4 DJ Mothman: We've got a big show for you today folks and we'll need all the fuel we can get to BLAST through it, so let's start things off with a nice swig of my favorite energy drink… DJ Mothman: HATER-ADE!! DJ Mothman: HENRY from the comments writes in: Henry Y.: First time last time. Tuned in for traffic + weather and got two dudes rambling about conspiracy theories like a terrible podcast. Cryptids, aliens, psychic powers, GHOSTS… Seriously, what makes you dorks believe in this junk? APEX CELEBRITY THE GOD DJ MO…: WELL, HENRY– DJ Mothman: Hang on, I'm gonna need the SOUNDBOARD for this one… Professor Bigfoot: Actually, if I may. Professor Bigfoot: That's an excellent question, Henry. What does make us believe in "all this junk?" Alt text: Allow me to speak in Jokerman for a moment, so you can understand Page 5 Professor Bigfoot: Now, to me, it's understandable why conspiracy theorists get a bad rap, DJ Mothman: Plus a dozen good ones hahaa check out my new album Professor Bigfoot: but I'' believe what makes ''us believe stems from some of the simplest instincts that make us human. DJ Mothman: Well Professor this sounds like a super slow burn you're cooking up, just a really roundabout roast, but partner if you're down to dunk I'm up to alley-oop. DJ Mothman: *AHEM* DJ Mothman: What SORT of instincts, Professor? Professor Bigfoot: Well the first, I'd say, is skepticism… the basic building block of rationality itself. Professor Bigfoot: The human mind is rebellious, you see. Professor Bigfoot: It questions. Professor Bigfoot: It denies authority. Professor Bigfoot: Despite every would-be jailer's efforts, Professor Bigfoot: it is just not good at doing what it's told. Alt text: time to throw socks at passersby Page 6 Professor Bigfoot: In minds like ours, Professor Bigfoot: that healthy skepticism is simply heightened to its peak, the same way an Olympic athlete perfects their physical health. Professor Bigfoot: Through practice. DJ Mothman: Yeah, HENRY. We've got BRAIN ABS you IMP Professor Bigfoot: For instance, most people just accept the moon is real, Professor Bigfoot: but if you told me so, I'd say "how come?" Professor Bigfoot: And if you said there's no such thing as Loch Ness Monsters, Professor Bigfoot: I'd say "not with that attitude there isn't." Professor Bigfoot: This is what it means to practice healthy skepticism. DJ Mothman: … DJ Mothman: …Is… is it? Professor Bigfoot: Ho ho, exactly, my dear friend, exactly. But yes, yes it is. Alt text: Bye Dad! Bye post-apocalypse AU Max! Page 7 Professor Bigfoot: And it's a vital mental muscle to build up! Ritz Price-Lee: Take THAT! Professor Bigfoot: After all, Professor Bigfoot: you never know when having the strength to not believe in things Professor Bigfoot: might lead you to a cause you DO believe in. Professor Bigfoot: Which leads me to the next instinct... Professor Bigfoot: RIGHTEOUSNESS. Alt text: how DARE you use the power of kicking for evil Page 8 Ritz Price-Lee: ...And then I said, "That's not a bank, that's my wallet!" Ritz Price-Lee: Ha ha ha, OK gorgeous, I'll ttyl ❤ Ritz Price-Lee: Servi, end recording. Servi: *beep* YES MASTER Stephen: What do you think you're doing? Ritz Price-Lee: Huh? Ritz Price-Lee: Staring down a weird little fart elf, it looks like. Professor Bigfoot: Allow me to explain. Alt text: A fart elf is a rare and beautiful cryptid native to- Page 9 Professor Bigfoot: Righteousness is the flame that sparks from the friction of injustice... Professor Bigfoot: against our sense of right Stephen: Beating up innocent people is fun and fine, Professor Bigfoot: and of wrong. Stephen: but innocent animals... that I can't forgive!! Ritz Price-Lee: Pfff, I'm not beating that mut up because it's FUN. Ritz Price-Lee: I'm beating it up because it's POOR!! Ritz Price-Lee: LOOK at that thing! No money, no clothes, no coding skills... PAH!! Ritz Price-Lee: Animals have been freeloading on our planet for WAY too long. SOMEone needs to teach them a lesson. Ritz Price-Lee: Maybe then they'll stop eating berries in the woods or whatever and get a real job. Alt text: rare occasion where arguing that people are animals would be a bid for more empathy Page 10 Professor Bigfoot: While the average person's sense of right and wrong is limited to what their other senses can perceive, we conspiracy theorists can extend ours further, and sense the world's ambient wrongness without the need for evidence. DJ Mothman: Wow! Like, uh, Spider-Man. Professor Bigfoot: No, friend. Professor Bigfoot: Even better than Spider-Man. Professor Bigfoot: But with greater power than Spider-Man comes greater responsibility than Spider-Man: Professor Bigfoot: the responsibility not just to rage against injustice... but to keep our rage in check. Professor Bigfoot: You see, with all that extra surface area inside our field of perception, Professor Bigfoot: the flames of righteousness we bear, unleashed, becomes a WILDFIRE. Alt text: trying to get included in the marvel universe to improve my SEO Page 11 Ritz Price-Lee: Whoa! Ha ha! Use your words, little man! Ritz Price-Lee: Don't they teach you that in public school? Or are my mom's property taxes going to waste? Stephen: HNNRgh... Gettin' REAL sick of Mayview Academy dumping its TRASH on East Hill. Stephen: But if they INSIST... Stephen: then you'll get your private education RIGHT HERE. Stephen: I'm gonna teach YOU a lesson, and you... YOU'RE GONNA PAY!!! Ritz Price-Lee: LOL, seriously? Pick on someone your own size, squirt. I'm too old for you. Stephen: DON'T LOOK DOWN ON ME!! I can take high schoolers no PROBLEM! Ritz Price-Lee: Oh yeah? Ritz Price-Lee: How many? Alt text: if you guys had held off on the dramatic sound effect we could've pulled off a proper ambush Page 12 Gage: Heh heh. Tough luck, kid. looks like it's four on zero. Youth Culture: Grind your bones to dust. Stephen: FINE!! Come at me all at once! I'll take EVERY one of you!! Paige: He he Paige: AHAHAHAHAHA!! Alt text: i like you're style kid Page 13 Paige: Well drat, scar boy. I think I like you. I might feel bad if I went and hurt you now. Paige: OK, I've decided. We'll let you fight Ritz one-on-one. That way I can root for you instead. Ritz Price-Lee: Ha ha wait... Paige, you really want me to fight a middle schooler? Ain't we like... above that? Paige: There is no "we" yet, Ritz. Try not to bore me. Ritz Price-Lee: F-fine, bring it, kid!! Just don't expect a fair fight!! Ritz Price-Lee: I've had VERY expensive martial arts lessons. Alt text: I know a variety of PG-rated blunt force techniques Page 14 Professor Bigfoot: Now, some might say that our extraordinary abilities make us larger than life... Professor Bigfoot: that our unmatched fury makes us monstrous, Professor Bigfoot: but I would argue that being superhuman makes us just that: super human. DJ Mothman: Oh yeah? Professor Bigfoot: We're just as likeably flawed as we are superior to normies Professor Bigfoot: and sensing wrong, raging against it, Professor Bigfoot: does not always mean our strength's enough to set it right. Alt text: folks i just wanted to draw a godzilla Page 15 Professor Bigfoot: Still, I like to think Professor Bigfoot: that even the little guy can tower over evil if he has the moral high ground, Professor Bigfoot: uses the weight of their sins against them, Alt text: don't freaking try this at home kids or i'll come to your home and try this at it Page 16 Professor Bigfoot: and gets some help Professor Bigfoot: from his fellow underdogs. Alt text: this last minute's gonna be a real outlier on ritz's average RPM graph but sometimes you gotta plot a revolution or two to defeat a higher class opponent am i right comrade Page 17 Gage: MY TURN!! Gage: HYURK! Professor Bigfoot: At least... Ritz Price-Lee: M-My primary smart phone...!! Professor Bigfoot: that's what I like to think. Alt text: everybody pick up your puppies Page 18 Professor Bigfoot: Liking to think. Professor Bigfoot: What's more human than that? Professor Bigfoot: A conspiracy theoriest knows that every answer's found by someone looking for it. We entertain the possibilities that entertain us! Stephen: Did- Stephen: did we lose 'em? Stephen: Ha haa, we did! Bet those weirdos are mad sorry they messed with Johnny gang's strongest death capo. Stephen: dog You wanna be a death capo? Professor Bigfoot: Skeptism guides us, rightousness fuels us, but if you ask what makes us believe, well... to quote my favorite documentary series, The X-Files, we WANT to believe. DJ Mothman I want to believe my ex files for divorce soon ha ha ha... Stephen: Well the offer's on the table. Alt text: the strongest death capo and the fourth strongest overall member